I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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