I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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