Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
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Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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