Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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