Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
