My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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