i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
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I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
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Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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