And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
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He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
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Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed