sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
