Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
