It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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