a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
