The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
