Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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