just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
