i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
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no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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