I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
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I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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