Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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