How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.