I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?