I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The struggles of a small town man whore
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
