it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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