i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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