I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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