They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize