so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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