We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
