so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
