It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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