I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
