Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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