I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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