when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
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At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
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spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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