Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.