I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
