I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
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My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
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Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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