that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
