And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
