I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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