So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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