i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
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He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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