I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...