I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever