i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up