my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
