new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
