break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
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So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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