god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
