He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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