Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.