Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
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you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
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I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor