the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
