I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
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Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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